Marriage Counseling Monrovia Arcadia Sierra Madre & Pasadena Therapist

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

The Essential Humility of Marriage
A Monrovia Therapist’s Bookshelf

Better Through Books

As a Marriage Therapist, I am sometimes asked for book recommendations. Although I love to read, I am very selective with the books I recommend to therapy clients. Like I mentioned a few weeks ago, I reserve only two beloved bookshelves (out of 15) for this purpose.

I cherish these books.

So, in my series Better Through Books, I am revealing each of the books in this esteemed portion of my therapy library.

And today, you’re in for a treat.

Allow me to introduce you to Dr. Terry Hargrave’s transformational book, The Essential Humility of Marriage!

Dr. Hargrave is one of the most beloved professors at my alma mater, but I was a fan of his work before he even stepped foot on our campus. Why?

He illuminated me to the idea that each marriage includes a third identity:

You, Me, and Us.

Confused? Let me tell you the story of Dr. Hargrave’s breakfast conversation with one of the pioneers of Marriage and Family Therapy, Dr. Carl Whitaker.

“Carl said that as much as he would miss [his wife] if she were to die, he would miss what they were together even more. He would call what they were together ‘we-ness’ or ‘us-ness’. What is exciting about this concept of ‘us-ness’ is that it is not quite me, and not quite you. ‘Us’ is what we are together” (pg. 6).

The “Us” is the relationship itself.

What I love about this third member of each relationship is that it allows couples to build something bigger than themselves.

And yet, the ‘Us’ depends on the individuals in the relationship to nurture its growth.

How?

Spoiler alert: Hargrave’s answer is not, “The Us-ness in a relationship is the result of each person’s awesome brilliance.”

Rather, the Us-ness is built through humility.

By coming face to face with their own limitations, couples realize that they are equals. When each partner humbly gives of themselves to benefit the “Us”, love and trust in the relationship grows. Its a beautiful thing.

As a bonus? Dr. Hargrave notes that humility is the antidote to criticism and contempt, which are two of the relationship killers Dr. John Gottman identified in his extensive relationship research.

There is so much more to Hargrave’s book that I haven’t had the chance to cover here today. I invite you to explore the third identity in your relationship by reading The Essential Humility of Marriage, or by exploring these questions in relationship therapy:

How are we building the ‘Us’?
What are the limitations that I bring to our relationship?
How am I addressing my challenges in order to build a more secure ‘Us’?

Warmly,

Megan Lundgren, LMFT

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Megan Lundgren, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Relationship 101: Marriage and Community
{Monrovia Marriage Therapist}

Relationship 101

Lovers must not live for themselves alone.

-Wendell Berry Sex, Economy, Freedom & Community

If there’s anything I’m passionate about, its the reciprocal relationship between marriages and communities.

The past six lessons in Relationship 101 have focused on applications from Dr. John Gottman‘s extensive marriage research, but this week’s lesson is different. This week, we’re responding to the sociological work of Natalie Sarkisian & Naomi Gerstel, and the General Social Survey (with a whopping 1500 respondents). Their findings?

There is a significant decline in the participation of today’s couples in their local communities.

Sarkisan & Gerstel‘s research on marriage and social support networks demonstrate that married couples are less likely to provide assistance to friends or socialize with their neighbors. When people get married, they limit their involvement in their family and community.

So, how are married couples attempting to meet their social, emotional, and relational needs?

They are depending on their marriage partner – for a lot.

The General Social Survey found that almost 10% of couples solely rely on their spouse to talk about personal issues, and only 15% of individuals have at least 4-5 people in their lives they can trust as confidants.

The research clearly shows that today’s marriages are more insular, placing a heavier burden on spouses in the absence of community support. How can isolated couples thrive under that kind of pressure?

I began today’s blog post with a quote from author Wendell Berry, who writes on the symbiotic relationship between marriages and local communities. Berry suggests that couples willingly offer themselves to their local community, and that the community gathers around each couple “because it understands how necessary, how joyful, and how fearful this joining is.” From Wendell Berry’s perspective, the hospitable, intimate, and generous relationships couples have with family, friends, and neighbors is critical in how both marriages and communities are able to thrive.

I wonder how marriages might look different if they existed for the community around them, and were able to receive an entire community’s support?

I wonder how local neighborhoods might look different if they benefited from the full participation of couples in community life?

As it turns out, these questions lead us directly to this week’s Relationship 101 vlog challenge!

How has life in community – or social isolation – impacted your relationship? Write your thoughts in the Comments, send me an email, or schedule a therapy session.

Hope to connect with you soon!

Warmly,

P.S. For further reading on this topic, check out Gerstel & Sarkisian’s research discussion paper, “Marriage Reduces Social Ties”, and Wendell Berry’s book, Sex, Economy, Freedom & Community.

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Megan Lundgren, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Better Through Books: A Beautiful Mess
The Bookshelf of a Monrovia Therapist

Better Through Books

As a Psychotherapist, I am frequently asked for book recommendations. Although I love to read, I am very selective with the books I recommend to therapy clients. Like I mentioned a few weeks ago, I reserve only two beloved bookshelves (out of 15) for this purpose.

I cherish these books.

So, in my series Better Through Books, I’ll be revealing each of the books in this esteemed portion of my therapy library.

This week’s featured book is particularly special, because it comes with a Big Announcement! More on that in a moment..

As you might remember, my first book in Better Through Books is about supporting your relationship – with the help of a nifty research-based assessment to supplement couples therapy. It should come as no surprise that my second book recommendation is also focused on my favorite topic: THRIVING! (highlight to see if you guessed right). But what might surprise you about this book?

Authenticity.

Kristin Ritzau‘s book A Beautiful Mess tells the author’s story: “A Perfectionist’s Journey Through Self-Care.” Half-Memoir, half-Spiritual Direction, A Beautiful Mess invites readers to explore “acceptance, contentment, and rest” through emotional, mental, sexual, physical, and spiritual perspectives.

My connection to this book is not merely as a reader: Kristin Ritzau is a close friend of mine who provided me with the opportunity to lead a group of women through this book one year ago. After reading one chapter each week, our group engaged the book’s suggested practices, including the Life Inventory, Letter to Younger Self, and Prayer of Examen, to name a few. The experience was powerful. I encourage you to explore your response to A Beautiful Mess in the context of relationships – whether through a small group, Spiritual Direction with Kristin Ritzau, or Psychotherapy with me, your local Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.

Consider the following questions to determine if this book is a good fit for you:

Do you find yourself in need of rest?

If I ask you, “How are you?” might you answer, “Busy”?

Are you learning how to care for yourself as a whole person?

If you answered “Yes!” to any of these questions, then I urge you delve into A Beautiful Mess!

And now, for my Big Announcement:

As a gift to Relationships For Better readers, Kristin Ritzau has graciously offered to give away TWO FREE BOOKS!!

All you have to do to qualify to win a book is share this post via the social media platform of your choice: Facebook, Twitter, or your blog! Need a prompt for your post? Complete the sentence “Self care is ____.”

Three things you should know:

1. This contest is not limited to individuals in the Los Angeles area.

2. Your deadline to particpate is Monday, March 20th at noon.

3. Winners will be asked write a review of A Beautiful Mess on Amazon!

Your chances of winning are high, and this book’s impact could be transformational for you. So why not?
Once you’ve shared the post, message Relationships For Better on Facebook or email Megan@RelationshipsForBetter.com to let us know you are entering the contest.

Good luck!

Warmly,

P.S. I had the privilege of writing a guest-blog “Lessons From Therapy” on the A Beautiful Mess blog last week. Enjoy!

P.P.S. Want to experience what A Beautiful Mess is all about? Attend Kristin Ritzau’s Open Mic/Art Show next week!

Congrats to our winners, Emily and Staci! And a Big THANK YOU to all of our wonderful participants!

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